You may be wondering why I called you demons here. No, not to be eaten. For centuries humans and demon achieved peace through the Promise. All demons stay in a separate world and us humans leave a bunch there for you to farm and eat like animals. We’re not proud of it, but it works. Never mind the fact its a completely immoral thing to do and we continue to do it; And, any society harboring a faction of compassion would call off the deal and blow the crap out of you.
What? We can let monsters farm human beings, but we can’t nuke the creatures that eat them? A biological weapon could work too. Seriously, what the fuck world leaders?!
*cough* Anyway, that’s why I’m here. I’d like to barter a new promise. The Don’t Ever Eat Humans Again Promise.
Woahwoahwoah! Before you kill me, let me tell you what you’d get in exchange. It’s a little creation we call…
Sugar!
Cake, cookies, pies, brownies, Twinkies. Ever heard of ice cream? It’s—get this—cold milk and sugar! It’s to die for. And, it’s all yours for absolutely nothing. But, wait, there’s more!
Cheese!
You mofos never even had cheese? Of course not, you’re disgusting people eating dregs. Cheese is amazing. Great alone, makes everything better with it. Who needs human flesh when you can cheese up your new meat sources. What new meats, you ask?
Chicken, beef, duck, and pork to name a few. You tried them already? Well…have you tried them with seasoning and sauces.
That right, demons. The reality is meat is meat. It doesn’t matter what it is, only how you prepare it. Barbeque sauce, honey mustard, ranch dressing, soy sauce… they make everything better. Or, just go with the classics like salt and pepper, but NO Spinderella.
Smoked non-human BBQ ribs? Fried chicken and gravy? Meat buns? Pizza? Oh, baby, you haven’t lived until you had pizza.
Still want more?
Sign the new promise and get drinks!
Chocolate milk. Wine coolers. Dr. Pepper. Ever had a smoothie? Bam! There you go! Now, wash that drink down with another drink. A root beer float, perhaps? Good, huh? Well, strap in because I ain’t done.
Free Netflix FOREVER!
Hunting humans for sport? Old hat, man. Sit your soulless booty on the sofa and enjoy entertainment from the comfort of your hell spawned home. And guess what? You can eat and watch Netflix…at the same time! Ta-daaaaaaaaaaaa! Okay, just sign here and–
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More, you say? There isn’t anymore. That’s everyth-NOT! Who wants a new car? You get a car. You get a car. Everyone gets a car!!!!!!!! And cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine.
And the only thing you have to do the get ALL that immediately and for free is sign on the dotted– Oh! You already did. Nice.
Pleasure doing business with you! Have a free t-shirt.
Mammoth Base Opera Castle 