Carmen Sandiego Dead at 33

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? I’ll tell where she isn’t, somewhere breathing. Carmen Sandiego, leader of V.I.L.E. (Villains’ International League of Evil), and world record holder for most frequent flier miles earned, died attempting to escape an underage child apparently working for a detective agency. Witnesses saw the woman running through the streets holding a Fabergé egg when she unexpectedly tripped and fell in the path of drunk roller bladers on their way to a Rockapella concert.

Police were baffled how she obtained the rare egg from the museum and, even more so, how she made it so far wearing high heels. Onlookers took photos of the deceased criminal’s trademark red trench coat, torn open, revealing a t-shirt with the words “What’s Crackalackin?” and booty shorts with stop signs on each cheek.

Sandiego’s funeral services will be held at a secret location accessed to anyone willing to travel the globe hunting for clues or reading spoilers on reddit. V.I.L.E. representatives are encouraging anyone attending to bring all their credit cards and bank statements for “special I.D. checks *coughcough*.” An investigation into ACME Detective Agency’s child labor hiring practices is currently underway.