Survive: The Facility [Cabin In The Woods]

Spoilers! Spoilers! Spoilers!
This is a toughie.

I absolutely need a head start to have any chance of making it out alive. Let’s set the clock to sixty seconds before the first Purge wave, teleporting at some random spot inside The Facility with added knowledge of what’s coming.

Alright, I have no clue how to get out. If I appear near the elevators I’m hauling ass, yelling I’m just an intern to keep any I.D. watching soldiers out my way. Actually, I should be hauling ass no matter where I end up. Problem is without an I.D. I’ll eventually get stopped or blocked by an access only door. No matter, when the monsters start coming all that crap goes out the window.

Hiding may be an option. Dana and Marty hid for awhile. If I can hold up in a closet—no, that’s stupid. Either I starve in there or a monster finds me. I need a weapon, fast. Gotta be an armory somewhere. Go there, grab whatever’s around and fight my way out. But, I don’t know where the armory is. I’ll be monster chow by then. Unless, I grab a dead soldier’s gun, not much but it’s all I got.

I can pretend to be a zombie. But, the monsters don’t attack each other. Must be some supernatural force at work there. Won’t get far like that. I can follow Gary Sitterson underground, but killing Marty won’t stop the Ancient Ones from awaking. Damn it! Forgot about them. I have to get out of the entire Facility to stand a chance not getting killing by them just waking.

Okay, factoring in the vast number of monsters, lack of places to hide, and no plot armor, I can survive The Facility for…
Fifteen Minutes

I grab a dead person’s I.D., get one of those carts from the beginning of the movie, and escape through the exit. I’m free! Wait? Why did it say fifteen minutes?

Oh no, I’m bleeding out. I was hallucinating. I did find an I.D. but the lady I was escaping with was killed, I barely survived dodging living nightmares, running into fellow humans hoping to say alive working together. No, they just get attacked while I manage to escape. I’m nearly burned alive by some creature. I slip passed, limping through an open area. And then I see it, the giant tarantula. Other monsters notice me but don’t attack. Somehow they know I have arachnophobia. I fall in my haste and blackout for a moment. When I open my eyes the tarantula is spaying me with thread. I struggle, but it’s no use. The spider begins consuming me, my last moments spent regretting not giving myself a shotgun and chainsaw. Damn you, 20/20 hindsight!